Sunday, November 19, 2006
Of the desire for something more...

In my short 19 years of life, I've done much already.


I have lived the life of an adult, I have moved hundreds of miles away, I have supported myself, paid bills, become a responsible member of society.


What now?


I want the music to happen.


I want to play for a living...


But why? I have no clue at all, none. I would love it though, love it with all of my heart.. I want to feel the music come from my soul, I want my messages written to the world and sent out over the soundwaves.. I want the beautiful pictures that I envision in my set in stone, recorded forever. I need this to happen.


Nothing will make me happier than this..


Maybe I've found what I've needed.. A reevaluation.


4 days sober.


Almost 5 now.


It's different.








I think I may finally be bettering myself. Understanding what it takes to make my mind balance.




That's the key...


Turbulence is great and all, but shit... I need a little stability.


Have I found someone who I thought was lost for years? The optomist? Am I starting to be happy?


God, I hope so.   

Posted at Sunday, November 19, 2006 by TheSarge
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Saturday, November 04, 2006
Of love, and my accepting...

I've come to know that I love every one of my friends.


I love them with all of my heart. They've stuck by me in my times of insanity, they've seen me at my worst.. They might not know me, my real self. The Josh on the inside that I dare not show anyone else, but they've come close.

They make me laugh, they make me sad, they fill me with glee and mirth at the very SIGHT of their pleasant faces.. I like the fact that I can call someone, or show up at someone's house, and know that I will be accepted in, graciously, without hesitation or regret. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea behind needing others..


I need my friends.


I need their love. Their respect. Their kindness. Their anger.


I like to help them.


There's no turning back now.. I could be growing up, I could be getting crazier, but I just want to thank everyone who's EVER said a kind word to me.


I'm glad for your being alive.

Posted at Saturday, November 04, 2006 by TheSarge
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Sunday, October 29, 2006
Of the State's street and house parties...

Went to the State Street halloween festival this weekend.


Wandered around Madison for hours, inebriated... Weird. Fun though, it was a blast.


Went to house parties. Knew nobody, could meet none. Showed up at two random parties, one sucked, one did not.




Exciting, ain't it? Living the life of a kid. It's weird to me.


Ah well, more details when I wake up in two days.

Work in 6 hours.


Wish me luck?

Posted at Sunday, October 29, 2006 by TheSarge
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Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Of irony..

Why is it, the day after I post something along the lines of "hey, I'm fuckin' outta this bitch fer goodly!" I find some time, and want to write on this?


I don't understand it....


Just know that it will come and go... <3


Sometimes, when I'm at my lowest, and I can barely handle the thought of another day, another drug, another breath... I just like to stop and think. I think about my mother, about my father, about my Aunt, about my family.. I think about myself, about my intelligence (or lack thereof when it comes to drug abuse), about my talents, about my good qualities. I like to think about my friends, about their good qualities and the times I've had just, you know, being friends with them.

I take some time and think of everything good that's ever happened to me; about everything that has brought a smile to my face. I think about the times I laughed until I cried, and then kept laughing... I think about the days gone by when my happiness wasn't dependent on a drug.


I just remember these things, and it makes me feel better.


Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of hard times. My life hasn't been gumdrops and lollipops and Johnny Appleseeds.


But sometimes... it's just nice to forget.

Posted at Wednesday, October 25, 2006 by TheSarge
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Sunday, October 22, 2006
Of apologies...

I can't find the time to do this much anymore.

Busy with work, busy with life, busy with sanity and trying to get by.


I'm going to resume, someday.


Until then:

I'm sorry to those who read it frequently.

I'm sorry to myself, who found comfort and solace in late night data exchanges.



Posted at Sunday, October 22, 2006 by TheSarge
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Thursday, September 28, 2006
Of zombies, dogs, and late night anger...

Give me a reason why I actually need contact with other human beings?


I'd save myself so much pain...


I need friends here.


This damned town, no matter how much better it is than the previous, is still getting me down. Regression has never felt so good... Every night, more fucked up than the last.

I've a feeling that I'm not going to be healthy in the next month.


Need to safeguard this house, zombie-proof.


Ground floors are extremely vulnerable to zombie attacks.


I have come to the conclusion that jagged, nonsensical posts are the best kind.




Back to the manic depression:


I hope, that within the next few weeks, I find some sort of purpose other than "Waiting to start school." What am I going to do with a degree? I don't care about money, I don't care about my sanity...


Ultimate happiness will be acheived through means unknown to myself.


Once I find that direction, that hole I feel inside of me will be nearly healed.


What else do I want out of my life? Now's the time to decide that, even though I don't feel I'm ready to.


Perhaps I will be doomed to move around, until somewhere... I find a place worth staying.




First things first though... What should I be for Halloween?

Posted at Thursday, September 28, 2006 by TheSarge
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Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Of time and the need for more...

No time


do anything




doesn't come


no time


no time


new guitar?


no time


time is lacking


just wait and I will return

Posted at Wednesday, September 13, 2006 by TheSarge
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Monday, September 11, 2006
Of late nights...

This town, the new one, is not quite as boring as the old one, but yet... I know none. So boredom is haddington bearsef.

Here's a story.


There once was a man named Josh, he loved to play music... But try as he might, he couldn't think of any catchy melodies! Then, he moves to a new town, and suddenly ideas abound! What's with the craziness? And the music flows.. But now, there are none to play with!! So what does he do?



That's what I gon' do, yess'uh.


I's gon' git mah name out they-uh. that's my lifes' homepage right now.


Still looking for that reason to be. :)

Posted at Monday, September 11, 2006 by TheSarge
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Saturday, September 09, 2006
Of birth and the day of said actions...

I worked until 4:30 AM on my birthday...


After which I got trashed.


I write this heavily influenced by alcohol..


Know that I am great.


Better than all and lesser to none...



My ideas are legendary and I think some sort of evaluation is needed ..


Of my life, of my relationships with those around me, mostly of myself and my values. I am no longer the partier, I am no longer the person those around me think I really am. It is not my environment anymore... No longer mild-humored.. Neurotic? Maybe. Bipolar, most likely.







Heeeere comes the rain.


Sleep doesn't come easily tonight. Not at all.


Maybe in a few hours, I hope.



Than k s for t he fond a nd wo nder ful wish es.




Deirdre talks funny.      

Posted at Saturday, September 09, 2006 by TheSarge
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Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Dumb assery late at night:

Posted at Wednesday, September 06, 2006 by TheSarge
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Next Page

September 8th 1987  (Age 34)

Name: Joshua Hester
Alias: Jesus
Interests: Music, video games, computer-related nonsense, prancing about in the moonlight on a cool August evening, most things illegal.

My name is Josh.
I am a musician.
I can't sleep.
I think.
I am broken.
I think the air is quite slippery.
I love Primus.
I love music.
I am a musician.
I do not like to feel.
I have two goals in life: To rid myself of all emotion, and to accomplish said first goal by expressing all emotion through music, the result of this being a zen-like state of being, my thoughts unclouded and unaffected by that useless faculty.
I cannot hate.
I like to feel.
I am a hypocrite.
I wish to love.
I am unable to love.
I hope.
I am sure the glass is half-full.
I am sure the glass is half-empty.
I am sure the glass was never there.
I consider the table on which the glass sits.
I am blind.


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